if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
