i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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