call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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