worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
