I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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