Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize