need another drink. this is the easiest way
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
