when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My ass is underappreciated
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
