Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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