I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
