from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
