on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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