dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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