Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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