She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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