I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
