Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
