I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
