also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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