You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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