the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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