I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
