When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize