I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize