I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
