two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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