Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize