Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
