I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
