I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
