I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
