First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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