remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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