They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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