At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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