just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
