You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
