My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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