bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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