The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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