A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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