I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
