Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
