wakey wakey hands off snakey
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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