we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
