She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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