She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
