I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
