the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
