I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
