I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
