In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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