We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
